Frank Zappa is the weirdest guy in rock and roll history who didn't do drugs. Why would he need to? This is the man who, without the aid of chemicals, named his daughter Moon Unit, released an album called Weasels Ripped My Flesh, and played a bicycle as a musical instrument on The Steve Allen Show.
To close out Weird Sex Week, I'm going to let Mr. Zappa's eloquent lyrics speak for themselves. Please enjoy these as you prepare for your weekend:
Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension
Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?
No!
Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan . . .
That the size of your cock is not monstrous enough?
It's your penis dimension!
Penis dimension!
Until I researched this post, I thought Rudyard Kipling wrote "Penis Dimension." Learn something new every day.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "Penis Dimension" by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention
AVAILABLE ON: 200 Motels soundtrack
Friday, June 6, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
WEIRD SEX: David Gets Greedy
David Crosby knows how to have fun, and he has the old liver to prove it. I really hope he doesn't have it in a jar somewhere to scare his grandchildren, like some horrific reenactment of the orange peel scene from The Godfather. But I wouldn't put anything past the old guy.
In 1967, Crosby and the Byrds recorded a daring menage a trois anthem called "Triad." Crosby's song was gentle, if not subtle. "You want to know how it will be/Me and her or you and me/But I don't really see/Why can't we go on as three?" A fair question. But Byrds leader Roger McGuinn saw plenty of reasons why they couldn't, and vetoed the song. He booted Crosby from the group shortly thereafter, and David had plenty of free time to let his freak flag fly.
"Triad" didn't languish in obscurity, however. The Jefferson Airplane quickly picked it up and included it on their Crown of Creation LP. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young also issued a version on their live album 4 Way Street. The Byrds' recording finally surfaced as a bonus track in the CD era.
Did Crosby's fantasy ever come true? Well, yes and no.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "Triad" by the Jefferson Airplane
AVAILABLE ON: Crown of Creation; iTunes
In 1967, Crosby and the Byrds recorded a daring menage a trois anthem called "Triad." Crosby's song was gentle, if not subtle. "You want to know how it will be/Me and her or you and me/But I don't really see/Why can't we go on as three?" A fair question. But Byrds leader Roger McGuinn saw plenty of reasons why they couldn't, and vetoed the song. He booted Crosby from the group shortly thereafter, and David had plenty of free time to let his freak flag fly.
"Triad" didn't languish in obscurity, however. The Jefferson Airplane quickly picked it up and included it on their Crown of Creation LP. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young also issued a version on their live album 4 Way Street. The Byrds' recording finally surfaced as a bonus track in the CD era.
Did Crosby's fantasy ever come true? Well, yes and no.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "Triad" by the Jefferson Airplane
AVAILABLE ON: Crown of Creation; iTunes
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
WEIRD SEX: As Long as Randy Stays Clothed, It's Okay
Most think of Randy Newman as the sarcastic, brutally funny auteur behind "Short People" and "I Love L.A." Youngsters and parents of youngsters might recognize him from his work on several Pixar films. But those who've studied his music closely know he's really just a sex freak.
In his five decades as a professional songwriter, Newman has covered a lot of ground. His favorite topic is bigotry, as espoused by his unreliable narrators. He's also written a great deal about God, and lack of belief thereof. But time and time again, he's come back to sex, with unsettling results. "A Wedding in Cherokee County" tells of a redneck honeymoon ruined when the bride laughs at the groom's "mighty sword." "Tickle Me" suggests some not-so-innocent foreplay. "Maybe I'm Doing it Wrong" is self-explanatory.
Newman's best song in this vein is "You Can Leave Your Hat On." In it, Newman invites an unnamed person to entertain him, with very specific instructions. It's kind of an adult-themed "Hokey Pokey." The song has been covered by many artists with different outcomes: Etta James (sexy), Joe Cocker (threatening), and Tom Jones (unintentionally hilarious), to name just a few.
But Randy's deadpan performance beats them all. "I know what love is," he sings, but he doesn't sound like he means it.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Randy Newman
AVAILABLE ON: Sail Away; iTunes
In his five decades as a professional songwriter, Newman has covered a lot of ground. His favorite topic is bigotry, as espoused by his unreliable narrators. He's also written a great deal about God, and lack of belief thereof. But time and time again, he's come back to sex, with unsettling results. "A Wedding in Cherokee County" tells of a redneck honeymoon ruined when the bride laughs at the groom's "mighty sword." "Tickle Me" suggests some not-so-innocent foreplay. "Maybe I'm Doing it Wrong" is self-explanatory.
Newman's best song in this vein is "You Can Leave Your Hat On." In it, Newman invites an unnamed person to entertain him, with very specific instructions. It's kind of an adult-themed "Hokey Pokey." The song has been covered by many artists with different outcomes: Etta James (sexy), Joe Cocker (threatening), and Tom Jones (unintentionally hilarious), to name just a few.
But Randy's deadpan performance beats them all. "I know what love is," he sings, but he doesn't sound like he means it.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Randy Newman
AVAILABLE ON: Sail Away; iTunes
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
WEIRD SEX: More Funny Hats
In case you still doubt the power of music videos, consider this bit of unforgettable '80s camp: Devo's "Whip It." If you only heard the song, or read the lyrics, you might think it was just a goof on self-help cliches ("Shape it up/Get straight/Go forward/Move ahead"). The song is catchy enough, but not the sort of thing that would still register with a mass audience nearly 30 years later.
But I'm sure as soon as you read the song's title, your mind immediately went back to that awesomely creepy video, where Mark Mothersbaugh whips a woman's clothes off with a maniacal gleam in his eye. There are also some drunk cowboys, a blind Asian woman shooting a handgun, and the five members of Devo decked out in black turtlenecks and red pyramid hats. We all remember it, but watch it again anyway. You've probably forgotten how truly disturbing it is.
Thanks mostly to the subversive clip (directed by Devo bassist Gerald Casale), "Whip It" has endured. Most assume the song to be about sadomasochism, or masturbation, or huffing from cans of whipped cream. It's a testament to Mothersbaugh's versatility that he can write stuff like "Whip It" and the theme from TV's Rugrats. I can't imagine any of those toddlers brandishing whips on a dude ranch. But I'll bet he can.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "Whip It" by Devo
AVAILABLE ON: Freedom of Choice; iTunes
But I'm sure as soon as you read the song's title, your mind immediately went back to that awesomely creepy video, where Mark Mothersbaugh whips a woman's clothes off with a maniacal gleam in his eye. There are also some drunk cowboys, a blind Asian woman shooting a handgun, and the five members of Devo decked out in black turtlenecks and red pyramid hats. We all remember it, but watch it again anyway. You've probably forgotten how truly disturbing it is.
Thanks mostly to the subversive clip (directed by Devo bassist Gerald Casale), "Whip It" has endured. Most assume the song to be about sadomasochism, or masturbation, or huffing from cans of whipped cream. It's a testament to Mothersbaugh's versatility that he can write stuff like "Whip It" and the theme from TV's Rugrats. I can't imagine any of those toddlers brandishing whips on a dude ranch. But I'll bet he can.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "Whip It" by Devo
AVAILABLE ON: Freedom of Choice; iTunes
Monday, June 2, 2008
WEIRD SEX: Do You Like My Tassel? It's New
Since its inception, rock and roll has had a steady companion in sex. Rock has also had its share of weirdos. The result is perverted fun for listeners everywhere. We won’t get into the whole Led Zeppelin shark story, or the sad, Faulknerian saga of Jerry Lee Lewis. This week is dedicated to songs about, or inspired by, bizarre or shocking sexual cravings.
The guys from Steely Dan may look like child molesters now, but back in their ‘70s heyday, they just looked like lonely geeks who worked at Guitar Center. After a few lineup changes, masterminds Walter Becker and Donald Fagen surrounded themselves with the smoothest, most expensive studio musicians available. They patented a sound that was more cocktail lounge than CBGB, but always with a subversive, sardonic edge.
Sometimes things got a little strange. For reasons they probably don’t remember, Becker and Fagen composed a song called “The Fez,” about a fetish for a certain piece of middle eastern headgear. “No, I’m never gonna do it without the fez on,” Fagen moans. Just for Donald’s information, on the Sexy Hat Scale, the fez ranks somewhere below the propeller beanie and above “#1 Grandpa.”
Nobody ever looks good in a fez, with the possible exception of Jonathan Rhys-Davies. I guess it depends on what shoes you’re wearing. I’m thinking about this too much.
Please let me know if any of these entries sound like an old Steve Martin routine (“He wanted her to sing from her diaphragm!”). Steely Dan is weird, but things might get weirder later in the week. You know what that means: Randy Newman.
TODAY'S RECOMMENDATION: "The Fez" by Steely DanAVAILABLE ON: The Royal Scam; iTunes
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